Meant to be?

I'm beginning to feel more and more like this adoption is meant to be. I'm not sure if I even believe in fate, but I know that for a long time now, maybe even years, it's been nagging in the back of my mind that I could adopt a child from Russia, that maybe I should be adopting a child from Russia. That maybe that was God's plan for us.

I don't know.

I'm not a crystal ball gazer, and I don't know why J. and I haven't been able to have a baby while so many other people can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I don't know if this is "God's Will" or just the way it goes. Who can know? I'm not one of those people who has any certainty about the way the future should unroll itself and why.

But I've had this Jonah feeling for awhile, like I should be going to Russia and the fact of the matter was I just didn't want to. It was too hard, too bureaucratic, too expensive, too much of a pain in the keester, and I just didn't want to go there. I know this seems strange, but one of the first feelings I had when I got pregnant (besides shock, joy, exhileration) was relief because now I wouldn't have to adopt. I could do it the DIY way.

Anyway, since we've decided to go forward with this about 600,000 people have said to us, "You know, when you adopt, that's when you'll get pregnant!" I have no idea if that's true or not, but I definitely have a feeling that pregnancy isn't in our future for the now. I really don't think I'm going to get pregnant, because I think this is meant to be.

That's a little more mystical touchy-feely intuition than I'm used to using, but it's just how I feel.

I suppose I should give myself permission not to freak out about the small things on the way, then, if this is meant to be? :)