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Challenging conversation
Every day I take about a 35-minute walk with Max and Milo. Lots of times we pass the time playing little games like "I spy," "What rhymes with ____," or "I heard ..." Today we talked about Christopher Columbus and heaven.
Max learned a little about Christopher Columbus in preschool this week, specifically that, "He made our country." I don't know why I don't just let this stuff slide - I mean, he'll get Columbus again a bunch of times before 12th grade, and all will be clarified. And he probably won't remember this first year's course anyway. But I for some reason had to set the record straight and say that Columbus didn't make America, he discovered the West Indies and claimed them for Spain. Then I had to further clarify saying, "Except that the West Indies had already been 'discovered' by the native people who already lived there."
All I really did was confuse the issue, I'm afraid. But Max was more interested in finding out whether Columbus was dead than historical reality. "Did Columbus die?" he asked.
"Yes, honey, a long time ago."
"So he's up in heaven now? With Rosie?"
Conundrum! I said, "I don't know, Max. It depends on whether he was a good man or a bad man [omitting further discussion of the rape of the New World's resources and murder of most of its population by the aforesaid Spain.]"
"So if he was a bad man, he's not up in heaven?" Max was not casting judgment; this was just the first time another option was presented.
"No."
"Well, then where is he?"
Urg. Clearly, I'm digging myself further and further in with this discussion. I really don't want to present a nightmare-inducing hellfire and brimstone scenario to my 4-year-old. I really don't want to present a hellfire and brimstone scenario at all since I do not subscribe to it. But I say, "If he was a bad man, and I don't know, only God knows what your soul is like, he went to hell."
"What's hell?"
This discussion about death and heaven and hell went on and on, with Max bringing up Rosie again and asking why, if I loved her and didn't want her dead, did I bring her to the vet to get a shot. He was very clear on the chronology: "Rosie had four legs, then she had three legs, then she got sick and crabby, then you took her to the vet, and then you came home and she was dead. And she didn't move in the backseat. And you and Morfar buried her, and now she's rotten in the ground." All of which I had told him before because he asked specifically and repeatedly what happened exactly. But all of which, hearing it, was just painful. I mean, I'm still crying nearly every day over Rosie missing her. I did what I thought was best and have explained, again repeatedly, that she was very sick and very unhappy and she wasn't going to get better and she's in a better place now, in heaven with God. And besides that I don't really want Max thinking about how she's "rotten in the ground," even if she is, or thinking that our vet is a murderer.
Even though I don't know if I believe if dogs go to heaven or if I understand the concept of an afterlife for anyone or anything. It all seems really so incredible to me: heavenly mansions, the final trump, the dead rising to heaven, the angels and believers singing praise to God forever. But I've found it's a lot easier to question the idea of an afterlife when someone you love hasn't just died. At that point you need to believe that wrongs shall be righted and you will see them again. And pet them again. And give them smoochie kisses on their soft furry heads.
Still, I tried really hard to present a cohesive and catechism-vetted presentation of heaven for Max. One that gave him some peace about Rosie and made him not afraid of death. He was particularly upset at the idea of specific body parts - his fingers, his tummy - staying her on earth and not going with him to heaven. The idea of a new and perfect body was not comforting to him. That's when I brought up the final trump and the dead rising because it's there in 1 Corinthians and, though I have no idea how any of any of it works with any of the rest of it in terms of Christian doctrine, it seemed to make him calmer to think he'd have his own fingers in heaven.
After that I turned the discussion to all the great things that would be in heaven, and we had a better discussion listing things we liked and talking about whether they would be in heaven or not.
I'm up in the air about cars and computers, myself.